Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Crossroads

In half a year, i can finally say goodbye to "Izyan - the full time med student" and say hello to a new Izyan.

Yes, "Izyan - the hardworking professional" (insyaAllah).

But it's not really relief that i feel at that prospect, so much as dread. So many decisions to make. So many issues to resolve. So many people to please. And then, there's that one question I've been asking myself again and again but still fail to get a good answer to: What exactly do i really want for myself?

I'm starting to think there's nothing left for me in Ireland. With the economy the way it is, getting paid in euro isn't that big a deal anymore (the tax rate isn't so appealing either). And there's the case of living all alone in a foreign country. My friends are either leaving or those who aren't are scattered all over the place. Now contrary to popular belief, I don't really thrive well alone. I'm like a plant who needs to be surrounded by cool water and warm sunshine, else i wilt and die from the inside out. So I think, I might as well just go home and make life easier for myself.

But when i have the luxury of time to sit down and think, I realize that I might be missing out on an opportunity of a lifetime. Other people would do almost anything to get the chances I'm taking for granted right now. I tell myself the experience alone would be worth it, regardless of the lousy pay, or the lonely existence. I tell myself it will only be for a year or two (max!). I tell myself how lucky I am that my choices are wide and varied, while others have to take whatever is placed on their platter without a say. I tell myself all these but my heart still yearns for home, for the warm fuzzy comfort of family and siblings and friends, the customary day to day norms of a familiar environment.

Granted, there will be things I'll miss about Ireland. Little thing. Like how I can walk around dressed like a hobo and no one would notice (or they would notice, but make a point not to just because i look weird to them to begin with). Or how i could say whatever pops my mind without worrying about other people (mis)understanding (having your own secret language can be pretty convenient). Or how people would compliment me on my good English, given how i don't look caucasian and all (and i tell them their English isn't so bad either, considering they are caucasians. Hahaha! morons!). Or how i could walk for miles on end on a good day without breaking a sweat just because it's lovely and dry (unlike hot and humid Malaysia). And of course, the super fast internet connection (this is probably what i'll miss most) allowing me to shop online with ease in the comfort of my own home (and burn a big hole in my pocket while I'm at it).

So yeah, I dunno.

Should I stay or should i go back home? That is the question!
(assuming of course that i graduate with flying colours.. amin~)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Sparks will fly

This post is heavily tinted in euphemism, coated in double meanings, and sprinkled with just the right amount of crazy and ambiguity that no one but myself would understand what I'm talking about. But that is the whole point of this post. To say what needs saying without actually saying anything. So there. Don't say i didn't warn you.
____________________________________________________________

I have wanted to dance for a very long time (maybe too long at this point). I want to dance but my steps are clumsy. I trip and I fall. I stumble and I hurt myself. I keep trying, but my techniques are wrong. My confidence plummets down and down and down with every wrong move i make.

And now it has reached rock bottom. I'm thinking of giving up. I'm starting to think this is hopeless. I don't get dancing and dancing doesn't get me. Okay that sounds weird. I don't get dancing, and dancing is hard. Much better.

But i have seen other people try dancing and soar on tiptoes gracefully. Fly like a bird, swim like a fish. I seethe with jealousy. In the inside of course. I'm too cool on the outside to let people see what a total failure I really am. (shhh... don't argue. I'm cool. period!)

The fragility of beautiful things mean that the magic of most precious moments are often broken by the mistake made by inexperience (huh??). I am a novice, you should try to forgive me. Let me make mistakes and learn from them. Please don't give up on me. I can try harder. I'll learn, I will. You and me, we can make this work.

Oh Wait, i didn't mean to say that last bit.

Pfft. feck it. I'm not making sense anyway.

I warned you.
______________________________________________________________

p/s: truth is, i have so much to say but so little courage to say them.

(I like you. i think.)

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Procrastination

A couple of months ago, Fadh dedicated this video to me. We had a good laugh. Why not? After all, we used to call ourselves WPP (well planned prostinators) back in the day. I'm sure we've both grown out of that phase by now (or have we?!!). What do u think Fadh? hehe.



p/s: I haven't seen Fadh close to 5 years now. But i still think of her as my bestest friend ever. Miss you ol' buddy. =)

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

How...

...final med has changed me.


  1. I used to have the neatest handwriting ever. Nowadays, i can't even understand my own notes.
  2. Consultants and tutors are the bane of my sorry existence.
  3. Looking good no longer matter to me. Just today i was wearing a blue shirt with a red hijab to work. I mean, who's gonna notice anyway? I already look weird to the Irish even when i'm dressed to the nines.
  4. Sleep is not so much a necessity as it is a guilty pleasure.
  5. I've started drinking coffee, and cannot function in the mornings without my usual fix of caffeine.
  6. I constantly feel stupid, and uneducated.
  7. Back-stabbers aplenty, I've begun to lose faith in people.
  8. Instead of feeling depressed once a month, i'm now depressed most days of the week.




(will add to this list as the year progresses)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Lessons

There is no merit in doing things with best intentions. There is no point in holding on to principles that will eventually break you. There are things in life just worth being fake for.

In the end, people will still misunderstand you. It's how the world works.

There's just no going around it.

---------------------------------------------------------------

(did i mention that i'm a pessimist?)

Friday, December 3, 2010

titleless

I don't understand what you expect of me.
Just as you might not understand what i expect of you, or if i have expectations at all. I don't. Not really anyway. But the thing i realize is that i cannot be myself in front of you anymore. I have to pretend. I have to act like whatever lame joke you tell is funny. I cannot brandish my own brand of wits because you think it's rude, annoying and very un'lovable'.

That word.

I hate it.

For some reason, you had chosen very wrongly that day. And had hurt my feelings with that one word more than you probably realize. But that's okay, your intentions were good, noble in fact. Still, it would be unnatural for me to not feel the tiniest bit of remorse whenever you speak to me.

Because all i can see now is insincerity spewing from your mouth. Bits of lie, mixed with dutiful but misplaced concern for me.

You once told me straight to my face that i am not a lovable person. Which, when decoded has the same meaning as "i don't love you". But you do, you say.

Ah, that confuses me.

Do you, or do you not?

Maybe you do. But more out of habit, if nothing else.

Since that day, I've tried being impartial in our conversations. Like a third person viewing from outside the loop. But you take offence even in that, in my objective views of our dysfunctional relationship.

I am hurt and confuse, and now so are you.

I guess that makes us even.

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Stephen Speaks

And spoken he has!

Ahh~~~ 
This is just the type of song every girl secretly wishes a guy would serenade her.
Me included, of cos (*wishful thinking).
。・°°・(^_^♪)・°°・。


p/s: I got this cover version off youtube - the singing was a bit breathless at parts, but his guitar playing in my humble opinion, was flawless.