Sunday, May 31, 2009

Bad Day

I went to bed last night with a heavy, awful feeling weighing me down. I was hoping to sleep it off. I was hoping that some sweet dreams of better times could lull me into a less dreadful tomorrow. But i woke up this morning harboring the same dark, angsty feeling.

Something wasn't right. Something felt very wrong. But i didnt know what. Maybe it was last night's conversation, or the stress from exams. Maybe it was the changing seasons, or my inbox full of spam.

I don't know. I haven't a clue. 

My legs felt sluggish as i dragged myself out of bed and into the shower. It felt even sluggish-er as I trundled despondently to our usual hangout study spot. The guys were already there. No surprise. I was late.

I sat down just in time to hear the last few echoes of their conversation. It wasn't anything i wanted to hear in my depressive state, so i persuaded them to start. I was hoping we'd breeze through today's session. But that didn't materialize. 

They made stupid jokes and laughed their tiny hearts out. They talked about things i wished they didn't talk about. They were getting on my nerves. And before long, I no longer felt the way i did when i woke up.....

...... I felt worse! 

How could they not realize how horrible I felt? How could they not see that their gritty laughter grated the fragile edges of my heart? Their ruthless insensitivity scrapped my raw emotions till it bled a dark dark red. 

I felt like screaming. I wanted to shout. I wanted to yell to the whole world:

"Oh, please just shut up!!!"



................  Ah, life! Why aren't you bright and sunny today? ..........

Friday, May 22, 2009

Mentally Exhausted

There's a huge flaw to over-studying. And that is: When you know too much, you tend to over-think the simplest of things and end up with the wrong answers. 

For example, you go to your exams believing you're well-prepared, heck you've been burning the midnight oil for weeks now. Then you answer all the questions with flourish feeling that you'll ace it "man, the questions were easy". But when you get your results, you're at the bottom rung of the class ranking. Again! 

That's when you start thinking: "Bummer. Maybe i didn't study hard enough." And you proceed to cut back on sleeping, and resting and eating. Not that you weren't cutting back before. You're thinking, "if i push myself just a little harder, maybe lady luck will notice me." Thus, the sick cycle of over-studying and over-thinking continues, and you spiral deeper into a dark oblivion~

If this sounds oddly familiar to you, don't worry cos it hits the best of us (me included). Just this morning, due to my crazy overthinking, i messed up a simple and straighforward question on my exam (tahniah, Izyan!!). I'm not gonna elaborate on it because all the technical jargons will only bore you. 

Besides, what's done is done. No point dwelling on something i have no power to change. Right now, I think i'll rest my tired brain for a bit. But only for a bit. Because believe it or not, i still haven't learned my lesson.

Oh, the joys of studying medicine~

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Waiting for Spring

I know, it's May.
So technically it's already Spring.
(And a good few months into it nonetheless!!)

But for some reason, the sun is being a little playful this year; childishly playing hide and seek with us here in Ireland. Some days she decides to come out and give us her blare at full force till we sweat out of our polyester sweaters. Other days, she goes into hiding and starts crying behind the clouds. 
 
That's when the chill hits. 

I think she's probably singing condolences to us poor 3rd Meds still stuck here in cold, damp Galway. Those constant tears are a reminder of how we're overworking ourselves when the rest of the student body are enjoying the oh-so-delectable effects of global warming everywhere else in the world (including hot, sunny Malaysia).

Anyway, i'm not complaining.

Rain is a sign of blessing from Him, so i'm grateful for that. Plus, cold rainy days are a good excuse to curl up in bed with a cup of hot cocoa and a favorite book to read. 

Which is exactly what i plan on doing right now. 

Oh yes, i'm ditching the medical books again, 4days short of my finals. And guess what, ignoring my screaming conscience feels deliciously good~ (*insert evil laughter!*)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Summertime.

I'm in a pickle.

Here's the thing, on a split second whim, i decided to apply for a summer research project this year. It was never on my long term plan, mostly because i never thought it was on anyone else's. 

Apparently i was dead wrong on that particular assumption. 

While i deliriously charted my 3-months course towards becoming a full-fledged glutton/couch potato/slug, the rest of the population were embarking on cool projects to get them ahead in the vocational war. Yes people, getting a job here after med school isn't as easy as you may think. Those hardworking jerks people (i.e my classmates) will do almost anything to get an extra 'WOW' factor which will separate them from me the rest of the measly bunch.

And i do mean anything! That includes working their perky behinds off throughout the whole summer break on a less than pleasant working environment and only on the barest of minimum wages. They're willing to toil all day long (and yes, summer days ARE loooong) on spread sheets and patient charts just so that they'll have black and white proof on their CV that they once survived slavery with their lives and more importantly, their sanity, intact. 

And seeing how I'm a horrible kiasu and all, i got very tingly knowing i was potentially gonna be among the small group of nobodies who never tasted the coppery tang of modern-day slavery.

"You must be crazy, Izzy." is what u're probably thinking right now. 

But ahhh, what you don't know is that being an experienced slave means i would have a chance in the running for a 2-year job scheme later in my career- one which would have overlooked me had i simply gotten first class honors in my finals without any slave experiences.

So that said, i went to apply for a vascular research project late last month even though I've bought my ticket home for the summer. I applied for it even though i was eager to see my bro after 3 years; even though i was excited to finally get my hands on a REAL playStation controller, and watch REAL TV, and eat REAL food, and yada yada .... (the list goes on forever).  

Kiasu as i am, i decided to push ahead with this madness. 

And so here i am today, - a week away from my final exams, less than a month away from starting the project - desperately homesick.

You see, that's the little part in my spur-of-the-moment decision i failed to consider - the emotional factor. I never thought the idea of not going home for the summer hols would struck me this hard, this bad, this soon. 

But it has.

That's why I'M IN A PICKLE...
A small, dried up, distressed pickle.

And i don't know what to do~