Friday, February 29, 2008

Stevie cutie~

Steve smiled at me today!
He DID, i'm not pulling yer leg!
Yea, I'm talking bout Steve, my cute ex-class rep.
And i was blushing like crazy.
And i was super sure he likes me or something.

So then later i said to Anie,
"Did you see Steve smiling at me? I think he's in love with me."
And Anie was like "No big deal, he smiled at me too."
So i said, "U don't understand, he looked at me straight in the eyes when he smiled at me. That must have meant something, neh??"
And she retorted, "D'ohh, he looked me in the eyes too."

Dang, she just HAD to ruin my day. Why can't she just let her desperate friend here have a blushing moment or two once in a while.

But she treated me to lunch afterward.
So i forgive her. =P

......... And i still think Steve likes me!

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Hei a.k.a The Black Reaper

I drew this pencil art of Hei [Darker than Black] cos i thought he was cute and i felt compelled to draw him. I tried to make the lines smooth and clean but you can't possibly imagine how hard it is to keep the carbon from smudging all over the place. I am by no means a pro [as you can see from my messy drawing] and thus, if u feel the need to criticize or comment, please try not to be too harsh, okay? Thanx! (^__^)

Let the anguish flow.

It's 4am. I can't sleep.
Honestly, whatever i write during times of sleeplessness borders between whole truths and complete rubbish. Nothing can be more perfect than that, so I'll write anyway.

Classes have been pretty challenging lately. I say that now, but I've been doing nothing productive to help myself. Since the last MCQ, the only studying i've done is either revising old animes or watching silly variety shows. I try to pretend to everyone that i really am doing something useful like studying when i lock myself in my room, when in fact I'm not. My daily routine consists of waking up in the morn', mechanically go to all my classes and meetings, return home, and will the time away with nothing important until bedtime. Then, under the comfort of my duvet, i either fall asleep instantly, or i don't [in which case i go on the net and again kill time doing nothing important till i DO fall asleep]. It's like a classic case of the Monday morning blues, only this one persists throughout the whole day, for days. So at present, all self-directed learning/studying/revising has been put on hold until I've got my life sorted out and my rusty engines running again.

I do feel slightly guilty to all my groupmates in all my various groups [professionalism, bacteriology, carbrySG etc] for not pulling my weight more. And i particular feel guilty towards a certain someone who's unfortunate enough to be stuck with me in almost all the groups I'm in [u know who u are]. It's not that I'm purposely doing this to spite anyone. I just seem to lack the drive and motivation to do anything. And as tempting as it is to don the hitchhiker hat, i would never do it cos I hate the idea of people not liking me. I guess that's the only sliver of hope of me doing anything constructive at the moment. Maybe. Probably. I dunno.

You see, I'm writing all this in a fairly lighthearted manner, but it's actually very frustrating for me - this inability to escape a vicious cycle of self destruction. I wish someone can just whack me very hard on the head and scream at me to get my act together [this used to be my dad's job]. tsk tsk.. being responsible for oneself sure is a tiring job. Looking after an infant is probably much easier.

C'mon Izyan, buck up!!!!

Sunday, February 24, 2008

Go Away. Leave Me Alone.

>Burnt my hand cooking. Hurting. Not in a good mood<

I think i have a problem.
My problem is called a 'friend who's not a friend'.
I've known him close to 10 years. But not quite.
He's a good friend. But he's not my friend.
I don't want to talk to him anymore. But he wants to talk to me.
He keeps asking me "what's wrong?"
I can be rude and just say I've gotten bored.
But i chose to be polite and say nothing.

??? I have a question. ???
Can you give ur friends away to others once u tire of them?

Probably not.


Saturday, February 9, 2008

By the night when it darkens~

[[This entry may seem a bit different from my normal style of writing. But it’s something I MUST write and I hope you will read and understand the need for this particular entry.]]

Last night we had another sitting. I’ve got to be truthful, I had a very long day, was super-tired and had thoughts of skipping the whole thing altogether. In fact, I even prayed it’ll get cancelled or possibly postponed. And I’m very glad it didn’t, for in this sitting, I found something incredibly wonderful I can’t help but write about it.

We had a discussion on the Surah Ad-Dhuha. Nothing obviously interesting about that eh? That was exactly what i thought at first too. But then what struck me as unbelievably astonishing throughout the sitting is how I’ve memorized this surah almost all my life; how I’ve recited it countless times; and yet I have never found the time to really sit down and understand its meanings. Oh, and what a loss on my part. The words of Allah are indeed beautiful.

This, in particular touched me in ways I can’t even describe:

“Your Lord has neither forsaken you nor hates you. And indeed the hereafter is better for you than the present (life of this world). And verily, your Lord will give you (all good) so that you shall be well-pleased.”

(Ad-Dhuha 93:3-5)

It kinda reminded me of this Hadith:

On the authority of Abu Harayrah (may Allah be pleased with him), who said that the Prophet (PBUH) said: Allah the Almighty said:

"I am as My servant thinks I am. I am with him when he makes mention of Me. If he makes mention of Me to himself, I make mention of him to Myself; and if he makes mention of Me in an assembly, I make mention of him in an assemble better than it. And if he draws near to Me an arm's length, I draw near to him a fathom's length. And if he comes to Me walking, I go to him at speed."

It was related by al-Bukhari (also by Muslim, at-Tirmidhi and Ibn-Majah).

The beauty of both of them is that whenever I read either one, I feel such an overpowering sense of peace and love from His compassion and mercy. At the same time, I also feel extreme sadness and a deep sense of loss that as His mere servant, I am so arrogant, selfish and so ungrateful. It is not enough that I wear the hijab; that I pray 5 times a day; that I fast when I have to. I see now that all these I did without any sense of comprehension; with just the pressure of community making me submit to what I realize now as Islam by culture and name alone. I can’t believe I’ve wasted 22 years on earth without really understanding the true beauty that is Islam.

Anyway, I’m not gonna elaborate on this any further cos it’s really hard to put into words the things I’m feeling at this very moment and make other ppl feel the same way. I’m afraid anything else I write will just sound like senseless preaching.

The only take home message I hope ppl will get out of this is that:

We are servants; HIS servants; and that is the only one and true purpose of the life in this world.

“O Allah, make me rich with knowledge; adorn me with the serene soul; make me noble with piety; and beautify me with afiat"

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Lost in translation.

I may have gone a bit overboard with today's title. I wasn't really lost in any translation. Heck, I'm studying in Ireland and these people speak english... yknow, English as in the international lingua franca. And I can speak English too. Surely two people speaking the same language won't have any problems communicating eh??


Way back when, i always thought that I was linguistically competent enough in English to be understood by native speakers and vice versa. This unfortunately, is just wishful thinking on my part cos the fact of the matter is, I can't even hold an intelligent conversation without having to ask the other person to repeat himself every 2 to 3 sentences. And they're definitely not making things any better for me by using all those weird jargons and slang. For example, I have this classmate who keeps asking me "How are you keeping?" and i keep meaning to tell him that i'm not keeping anything and that the use of 'How' instead of 'What' is grammatically incorrect. But trying to be polite, my typical response wud be to chuckle softly as if he'd been telling me a silly joke and walk away before he can say anything further. (He usually has a perplex look on his face afterwards). Anyway, i've only just realized that "How are you keeping" is a hip and trendy way to ask someone how they're doing. OOOOHhhhh, the humiliation. =____='

But putting that story aside, I've just had the worst communication breakdown today. And it's not because of some weird slang or trendy concoction of words. In fact, it's the total opposite. Today's language barrier occured in a more professional setting. YES, pathology tutorial! The topic was neoplasia so our pathology tutor was explaining all about neoplasia and tumour and malignancy and necrosis bla bla bla... Anyway, as she was explaining, she keeps saying "tumour inside you" and "carcinoma inside you" and this and that... And I thought it was pretty rude of her to suggest any of us having any sort of tumour or cancerous lesions inside of us. I even had a mind to tell her off just because she could seriously offend some people (myself included). I didn't do it in the end tho for the simple reason that i was too chicken to do it.

And you're probably laughing at me, but cowardice has its plus side.

Haaaa... i've got you sitting up now! Probably wondering what i mean by that, huh? Well, it seems that my cowardice helped to save me from total embarrassment and a life-long trauma to all-things-pathology. Believe it or not, but what i heard as "inside you" was actually "in-situ". Now, don't get me wrong, it's not like i haven't been doing my studying and have never come across that particular word, it's just that i've been pronouncing it differently. Being Malay, i read it like any typical Malay --> in-situ = in-see-two.

Oh well, i guess this is just one of the joys of studying abroad. What's there to living overseas if not for the occasional language barrier, eh?? Sigh~

Saturday, February 2, 2008

Debut of The Carbrians.

I love music. And i love people who can make music. And i've long had this secret wish to be able to play a musical instrument. [it's almost on the very top of my list of secret wishes which in no particular order include the likes of learning how to swim without sinking to the bottom of the pool, speaking an exotic language fluently, and cooking eatable food; yes "EATABLE" not edible.]

But unfortunately for me, i am as skilled at music as i am at cooking. And you'll probably believe how 'great' i am at either one once you've had the pleasure of tasting my delightful chicken rice ala Izzy~ [the first time i made that particular dish, i was almost killed by my siblings who weren't very keen on me torturing their soft palates.]

But anyway, this entry has nothing to do with my lack of culinary skills nor my under-developed musical talents. What i really had in mind when i started talking about music was 'The Carbrians'. [the girls wanted to call it 'Band Udara' but i pretty much preferred 'The Carbrians'.]

I'm sure you can guess by our name what kind of band we are.
[Band Udara = Airband. D'ohhh!] And yes, airbanding isn't as easy as people make it sound. And it sure ain't as easy as i had initially thought. You've got to have at least SOME basic knowledge of music to know what the heck you're imitating. Then comes the head-bangin' and hard-playing practice.

Tho i can't say the whole thing doesn't have its perks. For starters, I get to partially realize my dream of playing in a band. But more importantly than that, being the lead guitarist (i like the sound of that =P) with a couple of solo parts, i couldn't help but be helplessly abundant in the cool-ness department. I was just oozing with greatness. Hahahaha.... I know I'm singing my own praises but hey, this is MY blog. I can very well write whatever i want. *wink wink*

The others weren't too shabby either. In fact, they were pretty impressive. Anie on drums was just inspirational. Emy (bass) was pretty much the same. Te'ah could have very well be a real singer with her moves and the multi-talented Haz... (LOL).... i cant even begin to describe.

I would have loved to attach a video copy of our 'gig' and 'album cover' to this entry but unfortunately for you sad people out there, it's only for the eyes of a select few. So, just trust my words on this, The Carbrians is a force to be reckoned with.